If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.