I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
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Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
i’m still crying at this
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity