#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit