The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER