embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth