I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats