c’mon!
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
What a website
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey