He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
January is lasting longer than my marriage
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!