The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
what’s really going on
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance