[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.