Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
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[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text