Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
those birds must be on payroll
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
this chia pet tastes awful
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery