Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
@funTweeters
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.