Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
✌🏽
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…