“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
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Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people