As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time