Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
me hooking up with my ex
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
also my go-to takeaway order
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.