i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
found my next D&D character name
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
This makes total sense…
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!