No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*