I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.