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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Me checking my bank balance online.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.