Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I was just discussing this with my cat
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]