them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*