My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!