pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
are there any atheist mantises?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.