Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.