I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I saw nothing
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal