I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.