Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Friday night party time 🥳
Nose
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I want what they have