[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.