It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You Might Also Like
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.