I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Perfection.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
You are what you delete.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Intelligence is the new cleavage
best review i’ve ever seen
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”