Wait a minute
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Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her