a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit