Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Doctors texting each other.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”