What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
#catsoftwitter
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.