You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.