In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again