Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
You Might Also Like
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Breaking news:
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.