a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That鈥檚 sleuth shit.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you鈥檙e fired
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
It鈥檚 like the police helicopter that鈥檚 been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn鈥檛 even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I鈥檓 already putting money away for the my future child鈥檚 therapy because I know they鈥檒l be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 馃槣
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen