Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
How do you milk an almond?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week