After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
listen closely
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.