My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
The Others (2001)
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade