I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart