Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
#Caturday
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Happy Friday
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink