if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My flabber has been gasted.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]