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eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me buying fruit and veg
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.