Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.