Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Great Canadian literature.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??