When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.